Thank god for memes and google imagesearch.

Today I’m going to talk about something that a few of you might be experiencing and some of you may not: hemorrhoids (which I will henceforth refer to as ‘butthurt’ because I hate typing that god-awful word). It’s a reasonably personal subject, but what the hell. I go through it and I might as well discuss it so that maybe I can get some suggestions.

This was something I experienced with regularity when I was REALLY overweight. I found that eating more bran tended to curb this. When I started my primal journey, I was really worried about the recurrence of butthurt because I wouldn’t be able to dose with my regular fibre supplements. An increase in protein and a decrease in fibre is a good recipe for butthurt. So, I’ve still been experiencing it. In fact, I’m experiencing it right now as I write this. I’ve found that two things are good for it. 1) Sitting with my butt slightly above or level to my knees. 2) Ibuprofen. I take a LOT of Ibuprofen when suffering from butthurt. I’d estimate 400-800mg a day until it subsides. Sometimes it goes away after a few hours sometimes not. Having a bowel movement normally starts the process all over again. I’m adverse to the surgery because it’s not 100% successful (in fact it has a very LOW success rate) and the possible side effects are MORE BUTTHURT and even worse, loss of sphincter control! BLEH!

Other things cause it too. Exerting myself and exercising bring it on. I did an 1/8 mile run with my wife last night and after finishing it, I could feel the pressure. It eventually subsided without any intervention, but it was there. Another thing that causes it, strangely, is STANDING ON A TRAIN! I cannot explain this one. When I get on the subway (Boston Green Line) and I have to stand, it aggravates it! What the fuck is this shit!?

I’ve gone to a proctologist and was prescribed a topical medicine that’s basically a high blood pressure medicine you put on your butthole. It’s pretty gross and I don’t use it very often. It’s a ‘last resort’ kinda thing for the reasons of it simply being gross and also for it being excruciatingly expensive to buy as it’s CUSTOM MEDICINE!

The proctologist told me it would go away if I lost a significant amount of weight. That hasn’t happened yet. I’m going to need to start finding an adequate way to get some serious fibre into my diet. I eat a lot of strawberries right now, but that’s not cutting it. I need a LOT more fibre to have a healthy butt.

So, this begs the ultimate question: are you on Primal/Paleo and suffer from butthurt? What do you do to combat it? What would you suggest eating more of and eating less of to keep this in order?

Monday weigh in – 247lbs (Doctor prescribed goal completed 1 month ahead of schedule)


7 thoughts on “Butthurt.

  1. A. Nonymous says:

    Cabbage. Shred raw cabbage and eat it under paleo chili, paleo spaghetti sauce, etc. Shred raw cabbage and onions and dress it with oil and lemon, salt and pepper. Shred raw cabbage and onions and fry them in coconut oil with a little salt and pepper. Grandma used to say that cabbage is the bottle brush of the colon–she was smarter than she let on.

  2. Debi says:

    I understand EXACTLY what you mean!! I have to admit, that though I have, too lost weight, the butthurt still occurs. Not as frequently, nor as regularly as it used to, but still occurs nonetheless. I have to admit, partly the reason for me NOT giving up my morning coffee is it’s ability to keep me regular. I have yet to try putting butter in my coffee as a lot of low carbers do (it’s not a Primal thing, but more of an Atkins thing… not sure how I feel about that), but use heavy cream instead of sugar and flavorings. I can truly tell if I’ve gone days without coffee or not drinking enough water. I also notice if I’ve skimped on fiber, which I get through larger servings of veggies like broccoli, cauliflower, lettuces, carrots, etc.

    Hope this small observation helps!! 🙂

  3. A. Nonymous says:

    Debi, I haven’t used butter in my coffee, but I have used coconut oil. It’s pretty tasty.

  4. deb says:

    I think I get MORE fiber now eating this way than I did when I still ate grains, mostly because I’m eating so many more vegetables most of the time. More greens, more crucifers (which I can digest now that I’m off gluten!), more root veg, more squash – more overall veg = more fiber, and seems to be the good stuff.

    Do go easy on the ibuprofen, though: stomach ulcers suck at least as much as butthurt, and I’ve had some major cases of both.

  5. […] yesterday. That was embarrassing. Then there’s the other niggling issues like the dreaded BUTTHURT. I’m still finding it difficult to inject myself with a proper amount of fibre to soak up all […]

  6. […] it was hockey) so I was a little nervous about dying out there. I was also suffering from some butthurt earlier in the week. So, in my infinite wisdom, I had taken some stool softeners the day before. It […]

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