Accountability 

In one of my first posts on this blog I mentioned that I hoped having this blog would make me accountable for my actions. I’ve been lying to myself a lot since I stopped posting regularly and I’m suffering for it. Today I saw 268 on the scale. That’s almost 50lbs from where I was comfortable. Even when I was 225, I thought I could lose more. Now I look back on 225 and think, “wouldn’t that be nice?”

I’ve been seeing a therapist lately and she wants me to practice mindfulness in life. I think back to the early days of this blog and the idea of “honoring hunger”. That was applied mindfulness. I’m thinking I might start blogging again for both the mindfulness of my health and weight and to continue to keep myself accountable. 

I might end up sounding like a broken record here but I’m not going to pick apart each blog post for being derivative. I’m going to use this blog for myself and if people read and comment: cool. If not, whatever. 

My goal right now is to knock a notch off my belt which is now stretched to capacity. My new “bigger pants” are cutting into me and I really don’t want to have to keep buying bigger and bigger clothes. I’m unhappy with my appearance a lot lately and I’m beating myself up a lot and it’s really making me depressed and feeling unmotivated to get better. I want that to end now. I could keep beating myself up for what I’ve done to myself in the past few years or I could just start looking at the now and the future and just go. 

I’m going to go back and read my blog to see if 2012-2013 me can inspire 2016 me back to where I not only want to be but know that I can be. I’ve done this before. It wasn’t hard. Maybe along my journey into the past of my blog I can find out when I stopped caring about myself. Or maybe I can find the inspiration for why I started it in the first place. 

We’ll see, I guess. Going to work on some mindful eating today and check in again tomorrow to discuss some eating habits that I need to make and break. 

Maybe I’ll restart the fat, semi-naked truth again. 

Wish me luck. Here we go again. 

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One thought on “Accountability 

  1. Hi Jared,

    I can empathize with you greatly in the bouncing up and down as well as using the blog as a means of focusing your thoughts to help you achieve goals. I certainly do that a lot with my blogging–using it as a means for me to reach my goals. It helps a lot because it does reinforce what you’re trying to do as well as puts it out there for the world to read.

    It’s not sounding like a broken record (at least for me)–it sounds like struggle, which I think many readers can relate to. I too have also used mindfulness to help draw attention to what I’m doing and why as it relates to my food and exercise choices.

    It’s hard not to want to beat one’s self up but takign the first step in acknowledging it (being aware or mindful, right) and setting a course of action and goals is always a good step!

    I have several books on mindfulness (my wife is actually working on her master’s in mindfulness, which has led me to study it more) and even a book on mindful eating (ok–they are all audiobooks in mp3) that I’m happy to share.

    I look forward to more updates as your work and effort certainly inspires other readers here like myself.

    Lance

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