Does anyone even care anymore?
Let me start over.
Hi, my name is Jared and when I’m depressed, I feed it. I feed it almost uncontrollably. I’ve been suffering from pretty severe bouts of depression stemming from a variety of personal issues that I’m debating discussing here. Suffice to say, it involves estrangement from my father who is my last surviving parent.
I assure you that I’m still happily married and my son is now 9 years old. I’ve separated myself from a lot of negativity over the past few years. I’ve circled my wagons to protect those closest to me. I’ve also identified the people who are best for my own well being and have had to make the difficult decision to abandon parts of my past that were not healthy for me mentally. Sadly, that decision was part of the family estrangement issues I mentioned earlier.
I was diagnosed with autism in the spring of 2017 shortly after my son was diagnosed and I’ve been seeing a therapist who matches my needs quite well. In a very short amount of time, I’ve begun to tap into emotional centers in my brain that have been dormant for 30+ years. It’s an odd feeling, but recognizing my diagnosis with autism was key to unlocking a lot of my potential. I’ve always been a very cold and logical. My emotional range was not very diverse. Empathizing with people was extremely difficult. Understanding how other people felt was impossible. I still have a LONG way to go, but therapy has been fantastic for me.
I’ve had a tough couple of years. After the election in 2016, I found that a lot of people I grew up around had chosen a different path from my own and to continue to entertain some of the ideas and values that they were espousing was extremely disappointing and arguing with them was only driving me further and further away from them. Many of them abandoned me in a time of extreme need and it was devastating to lose contact with people I’d known since I was a child. Thankfully it’s not all of them. My closest, long time friend is still a great part of my life when we both can coordinate spending time together. Another of my childhood hockey friends is still very much part of my life as well. I feel I should mention that my estrangement from my father has nothing to do with the election, it just coincidentally happened around the same time. I have curated a supportive circle of friends to be around and it has helped me immensely. While I worry about living in a bubble, I’m certainly aware of what is going on outside of that bubble.
My wife has been battling her own severe health issues during this time as well, but that’s her story to tell and not mine. 2017 was not kind to my family. 2018 is looking better.
So, why am I back?
I’ve been thinking about how well I was able to handle my diet and weight loss by talking about it. The direction I take this blog may end up being less about diet and weight loss and more about myself. I’ve surrounded myself with a lot of very intelligent people and I’ve seen how they talk openly about what is going on in their lives and it seems to bring them some sense of satisfaction or emotional release.
I’m learning more and more about myself every day and I hope that I can also find time for healthy decisions and go back to a way of healthy life that is best for me.
My health has deteriorated quite a bit in the last few years. My hypertension has returned. I’m starting to show signs of arthritis in my feet, ankles, hands and wrists. I’m having GI issues that are 100% related to diet. I’m tired all the time. I have little to no energy or drive to do the right thing for myself. I’ve begun investing in some self-care, but need to buy in harder. I’ve started seeing a massage therapist to help with some pain management. I try to see my chiropractor more often and now I’m working on my diet again. I’m hoping to do a solid 6 months of healthy eating and see where that gets me. I’m around 285lbs right now and need to get a solid 60lbs off me to help with the arthritis and pain in my legs and feet.
I’d actually started writing this blog post back in November and the tone was much different. I was much more angry with the original draft of this post. I’ve become better and converting my anger into something better for me so thankfully that draft never went up.
The most important part of this blog for me is to be able to talk about things. If there’s one thing I never learned growing up was to talk about things openly. I was repressed from both my undiagnosed autism and I was raised in a family that didn’t “talk about that sort of thing”. That factor is easily the linchpin in the estrangement from my father. When my family suffered traumas, we didn’t really talk about it. We let it fester and we held it inside and hoped it would go away. After my mom died in 2009, things went downhill for my immediate family. Therapy wasn’t really something we did. It was a decision I regret immensely.
So, I invite you to decide whether this blog is the right blog for you to follow. I expect to talk openly about a lot of things that are personal and may hit close to home for some of my readers and it may be uncomfortable to read at times. I will likely be discussing things like my addictions and my traumas and my depression. It may not as be as fun to read as my old posts, but perhaps I’ll find my way back and maybe I’ll help some people along the way. Perhaps I’ll only help myself, but sometimes self care is the most important thing.
Thanks for reading.